Shanky Row : A Tribute

Today, I revive an activity in which I had lost all interest, a calling for which I had lost all passion because I, have been Inspired.

I sit presently in my English Public-Speaking class. Our assignment for the day is to introduce a famous personality. To that effect, I introduce to you a revered personage, a pioneer of Idiocy, Imperfection and Perversion, Ess Row.


Ess Row is one of the oldest members of the faculty at the Manipal Institute of Technology (The Other MIT) and most obviously so. Owing to what I can imagine would "never" qualify as one of Humanity's Top 100 Blunders of All Time, he has ended up in the Faculty of English of this esteemed institution.
As is known the world over, Indian engineers have held a reputation for their numerous deficiencies in the English Language and it is only due to the unending commitment of personalities such as our very own Mr. Row that this has been made possible. His endeavours continue in full spirit to this very day.

The Genre of English that Mr. Row "specialises" in may be classified as either old-fashioned (such as that of American Indians) or highly progressive (such as that of the very first talking buffalo.) Either way, his command on it is commendable.

The only ground on which his magnanimity suffers is a lack of sophistication for Sophistication in itself exists neither in his style, nor his vocabulary. Do not get me wrong. What I straightforwardly want to convey is that "Sophistication" does not exist in his vocabulary, as do not many other 5-10 letter words and more. But come now. Surely that is all secondary.

As far as physical appearances go, there is a striking connection between his brain and his head. While his braincells almost a similar shade of grey as that of his hair, his brain is as deficient of the former as his head is of the latter. It is truly uncanny and is perhaps symbolic of his ingenuity.

Ess Row is a charismatic speaker. Whilst before an audience, he exudes charm through his captivating mannerisms, vivid gestures (pronounced "Guess-chers") and posture, highly reminiscent of a Bronze Statue (and the finest of all, at that). As he stands there, rooted to his spot like a banyan tree, with his arms fastened to his sides (with what appears to be Superior Quality Glue), talking endlessly for hours to an end, the audience listens mesmerised (and/or snoring very very softly.)

This tribute would be incomplete without a mention of his spotless diction. Row feels that our youth is regrettably adopting the American manner if talking, a most undesirable trait. He is of the firm opinion that we should instead follow the British as our linguistic role-models. For example, when we say "What", "When", "Where" and "Why" we fall short of stressing on the 'h'. Instead, we should pronounce the same words as "fHought", "fHen", "fHair" and "fHy". Sure the "W" sounds closer to an "F" than to itself but that is how, he alleges, the british pronounce it and that is how we, i beg your pardon, fHe should too.

He is also a strict and intelligent disciplinarian. In today's class, as I approached him for permission to slip down to the men's room, he firmly said 'No' as I went to the restroom in EVERY English class and knowing that I was up to no good. How it could slip from my that I had already exhausted my Quota for Trips-To-The-Bathroom in the 2-Hour-Long English class, I fail to understand.
It didn't end there. When he asked us to volunteer to come forth and present our assignments and I stepped forward, he declined saying that I would probably deliver my bit and run away.

How, I ask, HOW did he see right through my plan? Was it so transparent after all?
My entire strategy of first, waiting for one hour of the class to get over, then requesting for permission to slip down to the loo (JUST to throw him off-track), then volunteering to deliver my speech and, having done so, before his very eyes, grabbing my bag, books and running out the door, while he sat there looking passively and feeling helpless in the entire affair for surely it was beyond his power to cancel my attendance or deduct marks from my internals, had I the audacity to simply run away.
What a smart fellow!

This brings us to the culmination of a glowing tribute to a person who truly deserves every word of praise (for Acclamation and Commendation are very big words).... Mr. Ess Row!